Topper

I really get tired of the Topper. You know the guy who has to have a story better than yours? If you stubbed your toe last night, he broke his off and reattached it with baling wire.
I’m all for people hearing a story and then telling one similar, but Topper can’t enjoy someone’s story. He has to beat you at everything he has ever done in his entire life.
I worked with a guy who was a Topper, but he had an additional twist. His stories all started the same way: “That’s nothin’. When I was in the military…” For example: “I had some spicy Thai food last night.” Topper would say, “That’s nothin’. When I was in the military I had Thai food in Thailand made with fire ants and napalm and cooked with fuel rods from a nuclear submarine.”
He was insufferable. It got so bad that we started to mock the guy, not just behind his back, but to his face. Every “That’s nothin’…” story was met with one of our own. He’d talk about some Filipina prostitute or something, and one of us would come back with “That’s nothin’. When I was in the military I had to melt hookers of the hull of the ship with a blow torch.”
He would then say, “I didn’t know you were in the military.”
The guy was pathetic. And he still owes me five bucks.